PUNISHMENT
by Val Leichtman
The whip snaps down, stinging pain shoots through my back. My flesh splits, a dark red line oozes to appearance. The tail of the whip cracks down again, licking my back, accompanied with a soundtrack of searing ache. Tears trickle out of my eyes as I squeeze them shut, lift my arm and continue my self punishment.
——
I’m big on punishment. Not of others, but of myself. I can figuratively beat myself up for hours. “Why’d I do that? I should’ve done it this way. They’re probably so mad/disappointed with me. How can I make it up? I wish I hadn’t said that. Argh, I can be so stupid . . .” I swear, if the others here at BOWAworld could hear the standard soundtrack in my head, I’d be banned from being here. My running thoughts can be so de-motivating that it’s just almost comical to think that I work at a place the main goal of which is to motivate others.
Just this morning, I did something completely unintentionally that utterly inconvenienced and flat-out annoyed Alexa, rightfully so. I apologized profusely, but have now spent the last hour reaming myself for my mistake (I almost feel black and blue on the inside). This is not a healthy way to live. I’m not 100% sure where this modus operandi of mine stems from, but I’m fairly certain it is rooted in my deep fear of disappointing others, which in turn is rooted in my inability to see myself as important enough to put my wants/needs above anyone else’s ever.
Despite the tone of this post, I’m truly working on this and am actually quite proud of the progress I made. Just the fact that I’ve caught myself in this cycle and can begin to point a finger at the “why” of it is huge for me. So, today, I’m going to work on changing the soundtrack in my head. Maybe today I’ll replace it with a Brittany Spears’ “Oops, I did it again . . .”
JUL