The BOWA Blog

LITTLE VOICE

by Val Leichtman

My hand hovers over the door handle. My dream job is behind this door. All I have to do is open it and walk in. I spent hours doing research and preparing for this interview. My heart skips a beat in excitement. This is my chance.

I stare at the eye-level words “Mayfield Industries” painted on the white door in blue block letters. “What if they don’t like me?” I ask myself. I feel my spine compress a little. The words are now 6 inches above my eye level.

I breathe in deeply, close my eyes, and will myself to open the door before I shrink again. I look down at my resume in my hand, full of accolades and recommendations. “I don’t have a whole lot of hands-on experience in the field. Maybe I shouldn’t be here.” Just as the thought barrels through my mind like a freight train with no driver to slow it, I shrink another 6 inches.

“I’m qualified for this job,” I tell myself half-heartedly. “If ‘qualified’ means your last job was waitressing, then you’re SUPER qualified,” scoffs the voice inside my head. I shrink some more, the door handle now at forehead level.

Sweat drips down the back of my neck.”This may be hopeless.” I shrink again. My heart pounds in my ears. I lift my hand to the handle, the cuff of my now huge blazer covers my hand. I stand on my tiptoes, my black pumps 2 sizes too big slide off  the backs of my feet with the action.

I grasp the door handle with both hands. “This is my dream job,” I nod to myself. “Yeah, you must be dreaming because you’re never going to get it. Don’t even try.” I lose my grasp on the handle as it gets higher and higher as I shrink another 6 inches and another.

Now, standing just over 2 feet tall in a  pile of clothes, still grasping my now heavy resume, I realize my inner voice is right. That door handle, like the job, is way out of my reach. What a fool I am. Shrugging my shoulders, I drop my useless resume to the floor, wrap my jacket around myself like a robe and start to walk back home. Hopefully there are some waitressing positions in today’s want ads.

—

How often do we self sabotage? That little voice inside my head has a lot to say at times, and it’s never very positive. Usually it tells me I’m stupid, that I’m not important enough for  that, or my favorite one, “Nobody cares.”

Every time I listen to this voice and take anything it says to heart, I feel smaller, shrunken in, and less capable. And, as I forfeit my personal power, that doubting voice just gets stronger and meaner. If I continue to listen to it, I might as well be 2-feet tall starting at a door handle I can’t reach, because I’m just as useful.

A little self-doubt is healthy and normal and keeps us in check, but nothing productive comes from swimming in your own self-doubt. Unfortunately, allowing self-doubt to take over is a habit many of us have, at least I know I do. When I look at the reasons for it, on the surface, the obvious “low self-esteem” buzz word comes to mind. However, when I dig deeper, and am truly honest with myself, the main culprit behind my self-doubt is fear–fear of failure. You can’t fail, if you never try.

You also can’t live the life you want. Living a life in fear and self-doubt is pointless; you’re not really living.

Today, I’m standing at my full height and I’m reaching for that door handle. I don’t know what will happen, but at least, years laters when I look back, I won’t be stuck asking myself, “What if?”